im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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