When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
