Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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