remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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