all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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