I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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