pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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