Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Please don't give away my fajitas
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