I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
