Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
