She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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