If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
