I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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