Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
