nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
