Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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