Can Purell be used as lube?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
