I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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