I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
