it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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