Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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