my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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