so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize