The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i will never coherently bang her
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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