I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
