Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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