I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
