It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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