I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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