all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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