Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
