life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm too high and old for this...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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