I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You did what with his pubic hair?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
