so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
