dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
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I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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