I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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