is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
