onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
