I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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