I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
