I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
