be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
