my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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