just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
