I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
