As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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