I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
