the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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