just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
