Just cropdusted the office
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
