whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
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I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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