I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
