no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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