Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
