alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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